10 things to discuss with your partner before you tie the knot
Congratulations on finding “your person” and deciding you want to spend forever with them.
(Or, congratulations on wanting to create a deeper sense of intimacy in the relationship you currently have, even if you aren’t engaged yet.)
Either way, one thing is for sure: you love who you are with your partner and you love how it feels to be around them. You are ready to start your lives together, whether that means moving in or tying the knot. But, with all this joy and excitement, a part of you fears that one day you might look at your partner and not feel the same way you do today. Suddenly any form of commitment feels daunting. When you think about all the transitions and challenges ahead, you just want to move through it together without tension. You want to be sure that you and your partner will be able to get through it all.
Before you leap into the next phase of intimacy with your partner, it’s a good idea to get aligned on these 10 things:
Get on the same page about strengths and growth areas. When we are aware not only of our strengths but also our partners, we are both aware of what we need to work on to be a better partner for each other. On top of that, knowing our strengths outside of the relationship helps us support our partner toward their goals.
Set expectations and habits for success. Get aligned with your partner about how you will face certain daily stressors. Setting up habits and expectations for daily stress and irritation can help you move forward in the face of potential conflict.
Create intentional and authentic communication. Communication truly is everything. If you can talk about it rationally, you can conquer issues, insecurities, and emotions together. Creating a communication style that works for both partners is key.
Managing & repairing conflict together. Conflict will occur, and it’s not as important what that conflict is but rather how you handle it. If you have tools to handle conflict, you can use the conflict to bring you closer as a couple each time it occurs. Conflict is a learning tool if seen as an opportunity instead of a hindrance.
Explore family relationships, values, and expectations to blend two families. Holidays, values, raising children, oh my! You and your partner have come from different families and no matter how much it feels like you understand each other, there will be minor belief and value differences that could throw you for a spin. The key here is learning how to intertwine your upbringing to work synergistically to create the life you have both dreamed about. It is possible. Acknowledge how you each approach special occasions and how your families have done so in the past can help make those hairy holiday traditions run a bit more smoothly.
Learn how you will manage life together by balancing roles and responsibilities within the relationship. Who will do the dishes? How will you take responsibility for the house? Believe it or not, some of the greatest stressors of a relationship can be these minor responsibilities. Understanding your partner’s ideas about how they see the household operating can be key to mitigating everyday stress as a couple.
Create a safe haven in your relationship while stressed with work and life. Learn how to create safety within your relationship so that when other areas of your life are stressful you always have somewhere to turn.
Dream together by expressing shared goals and priorities. Create goals and big ideas together. When you can create a similar purpose, you can use it to fuel your journey through life together. And, it keeps things fun.
Cultivate lasting connection through affection and intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t just equate to sex. The longer you are with your partner the easier it is for intimacy to fall to the wayside. Cultivate intimacy in the little moments by simply touching each other—grazing their back when you walk by, or hugging them in passing. Small acts of intimacy can build trust and safety. Bringing awareness to how you and your partner create intimacy can be critical for years to come.
Plan (or don’t plan) for children and parenting. Know whether your partner wants or doesn’t want children. You want to make sure you are on the same page, and then once you are, you can start talking about how you would parent and take care of kids.
So much time is spent preparing for—and planning—the wedding day, and don’t get me wrong, the wedding is a meaningful day that celebrates the beginning of your marriage. You are choosing to spend forever with the person you love most through the bright and dark moments. But it is key to not only prepare the dinner and flowers for this day but also ourselves, our inner selves. Successful relationships are the ones that are comprised of two humans who get deeply aligned on what their lives will look like together after the big day.
Pre-marital counseling is a great way to get aligned with your partner before you move into another stage of your life with them. Maybe you’ve heard of pre-marital counseling but you aren’t too sure what to expect, or don’t want to create more conflict in the relationship by suggesting you and your partner go to a session. The thing is, relationship therapy isn’t just for relationships that are in crises. It is for anyone who seeks to find a deeper connection with their partner, or wants to look at their life and partnership a little differently. Maybe you want to plan the future with an experienced third party who will make sure you don’t miss a thing.
Partners who typically show up for counseling want to be on the same page, grow their strengths, and are open to looking at areas in their relationship that are difficult. They are ready to look inwards, take responsibility for their role, and be intentional in loving their partner.
Just like every person, each relationship is unique, and every couple has a different set of relational growth areas. If you’re ready to deepen your intimacy with your partner, we offer a six session pre-marital counseling package.
Contact Abby at abby@truthtribe.com for more information.