One Way to Ensure Your Child Has The Tools To Emotionally Regulate
Have you ever felt like you were under a lot of stress and then one thing your partner or child said set you off?
Your response to the event was way more than you felt was appropriate, upon reflection. Maybe your child asked, “What’s for dinner?” And all of a sudden you exploded.
That is called emotional dysregulation. It typically happens when you are going through a lot of stress or a tough moment and you aren’t actively managing all of the emotions and stress that you are feeling. Then before you know it, it has all built up and one thing someone says or does sets you off, and you aren’t able to respond to what you are feeling. Instead, you react without thought or awareness of what you’re feeling or doing.
Dysregulation is often them times when we yell or have a “that wasn’t like me” response.
We are all going to be emotionally dysregulated at times. It happens and is a part of life. When we let too much stress or emotions build up unresolved and unnoticed, our system can’t respond normally in situations. Check out this article for ways to actively manage stress.
The best thing we can do for our children is to regulate our emotional responses to ourselves and the world.
Why? And what does that even mean?
When we know how to regulate our emotions (ie, notice each emotion and feel it in a healthy way), our child then knows how to regulate as well. If we are going through life dysregulated, our child will also go through life dysregulated and unaware of the emotions that are triggering them. Regulating our own emotions helps regulate our kids’. Remember “regulated” doesn’t mean calm; it means feeling the emotion without losing yourself to it. It means noticing that we are angry and taking the steps to feel that emotion and resolve it healthily.
Here is how you can start regulating your emotions so you can help your child be regulated as well:
Give yourself space. Emotions happen quickly. They happen without us thinking, “Now I’m going to be mad.” Instead, suddenly your jaw is clenched and your breath is quickened. Start by giving yourself space. Take deep breaths and try to give whatever you’re feeling space.
Start by noticing what you feel, when you feel it. As you take space, start to bring your attention to what you are feeling and what triggered the emotion. Try to name emotions as you feel them so you start becoming more aware of what you are feeling in each moment.
Accept what you are feeling. Now that you’ve taken space to notice and name the emotion, accept the emotion and the situation that has brought you here, feeling what you feel. Accept the emotion, whether it is anger, frustration, hurt, sadness. Let yourself feel it and express it healthily—journal it out, go on a run, talk to someone.
Remember, bringing awareness to and regulating our emotions is a practice. It doesn’t all happen over night. There will be moments you lose yourself to an emotion and there will be moment that you are able to recognize it and regulate it. Give you and your child compassion as you learn how to notice emotions and express them in healthy ways rather than letting them control you.
