The List We All Need When Handling Online Communication
Texting, DM, Email, Slack…
Online communication takes up a majority of our time today. We are most likely spending more time reading text-based communication than we spend communicating face-to-face, unfortunately.
When we communicate through text, we are missing facial and body cues. We also lack tone of voice. Maybe if we are lucky we get a little emoji or gif that clarifies tone.
But if not, how do we handle those stomach wrenching, day-ending messages that get under our skin?
First of all, we make a lot of assumptions about messages when we get them (maybe we assume the tone or we read in unstated messages), and we even heed subtexts, like sarcasm, guilt tripping, and passive aggressive behavior.
Have you ever received a text message that you read tone into, and it sent you into a tizzy?
You felt your heart and stomach drop. Maybe you felt a fire in your chest. Then you carried the weight of that message subconsciously throughout your day?
Or maybe you immediately pecked at the keyboard and replied to the message in heated fury?
Yep, we’ve all been there. I’ve maybe even regretted my immediate reply in some cases.
And for that, here is a therapist generated list to follow before you hit send on that reply:
Breathe. Yep, take 5 deep inhales and exhales after receiving that message. If you can, do each inhale and exhale to the count of four. Pausing and breathing is incredibly valuable. It allows us space to notice how the message affected us.
Notice. Notice your initial reaction to the message. How do you feel? What emotions did it bring up? Why do you think the message made you feel that way?
Break it down. What are you adding to the message that isn’t there? When you read the text, do you read it in a certain way or tone? If you read it out loud, do you add sass to it? Do you sense there is a subtext here—guilt tripping, sarcasm, passive aggressiveness? If yes, why?
Reply only to the words that are there. Now that you’ve noticed what this message brings up in you. Now it’s time to subtract all of the subtexts that you believe to be there and reply solely to the question that was asked. Look at the words and only the words. Don’t add any tone or assumed subtexts.
The non-reply. Did you notice that there wasn’t any question asked and therefore nothing to answer? Was it solely subtext? Maybe it was passive aggressiveness or sarcastic. Is a reply warranted? Would not replying be more beneficial in this situation? Yes? Then, don’t reply!
Modern communication isn’t simple.
It comes with nuances, hurriedness, and confusion. We can see what is communicated and we can also see what is not communicated. We can notice the way they formatted the message, and we can make many assumptions. Assumptions that live in our heads and nowhere else.
There are several things to note from messages. And, if we follow this list every time, we can ensure we are responding, not reacting, to the subtexts that hit our inboxes and phones.