20 Things Not To Say To Your Teen
As parents, we think (and overthink) about how we raise our kids.
Maybe we are standing in line when we find ourselves second-guessing ourselves: do we send them to that school or this other one? Do we ground them or just give a warning?
While we can always apologize and repair with our teens when we make the wrong decision, there are phrases we can utter that are harmful to our teens—whether we know it or not. It’s best to avoid these phrases when possible.
So what are the phrases that could potentially be harming our teens?
Here are 20 phrases that could be harmful to say that could harm them in this phase of development.
1. Always/Never:
Phrases with “always” or “never” can be difficult for teens. Teens are in a stage of development where their brains are in black and white thinking, and always/never narratives tend to keep them in that unrealistic, all-or-nothing thinking. Always and never are also not helpful language in arguments because it’s not true. If we say, “You always leave dirty dishes.” That’s typically not true. There are times when they don’t or they clean the dishes. Using “always” and “never” puts people on the defensive.
2. Are you sure you want to eat that? / You've lost weight! / You've gained weight!
Body comments are difficult for anyone to swallow, but teens’ bodies are already going through big changes in this stage of life, causing them to eat more, less, or crave different things. As teens try to find a new normal within their bodies, it’s easier for them to do that without outside judgement. Our bodies are innately intelligent. They know what they need. Outside comments about quickly-changing bodies is not helping their process of growing into themselves. By age 17, most women have been on a diet, and four percent of adolescents suffer from an eating disorder.
3. You're just like your father/mother
We’ve probably all had it happen once or twice. A friend or family member makes this comment, letting us know they see some similarities between us and our parents. But remember, a teen’s brain is still in the phase of black and white thinking. While there are similarities in traits, parents and children are not the same. Comments like these can be especially harmful when it’s a negative comment. And at times, it is because you’re saying something bad about a parent and saying that the child encompasses that negative trait, essentially it is an indirect insult. We see this come up often with divorced parents.
4. Always do your best
Our “best'“ varies from day to day. Our best yesterday under certain circumstances is different from our best today in a new environment or circumstance. Letting our teens operate, trying to attain the best they’ve ever done everyday, is unsustainable.
5. I give you a roof over your head and food to eat
These are basic needs that every parent should be supplying. Phrases like this are used as a manipulative tactic. Don’t hold this over a kid’s head. Providing these needs is your job as a parent; their job is to be a kid/teenager.
6. You'd be so pretty if you'd just…/if you'd just put in a little effort you'd be in the honor society/if you'd just….
Phrases like these imply that they currently aren’t pretty, or that they are not giving effort, when perhaps they are. Or maybe they are already suffering from low self esteem. Either way, comments like these aren’t helpful.
7. It's just drama/hormones/teen stuff
Phrases like these invalidate teens’ feelings. All of these things are 100% real. Rather than invalidating these feelings, this is an opportunity to validate emotions and help teens work through these things.
8. Anything you're not going to follow through on
From punishments to rewards, don’t be a vault of empty promises. If you say they are going to be grounded for sneaking out, ground them. If you say they will get to go to the water park for good grades, go to the water park.
9. You’re acting like a spoiled brat
Our kids grow into the environment they are living in, and a lot of it from the ages 0-18 are out of their control. If our kids are doing something we don’t approve of, perhaps it’s time to look at the ways we have reinforced that behavior in the past.
10. Look around you. No one else is acting like you.
This phrase invalidates emotions or experiences that teens feel. Not everyone is the same and we each have different experiences and brains develop at different speeds. Phrases like these don’t take into account potential neurodivergence, or any kind of brain or processing differences.
11. Good girls don’t behave like that
Phrases like these put emphasis on character rather than her behavior. What’s the behavior you don’t like and ask for that to change. Don’t connect behaviors back to moral and who she is.
12. Stop acting like a baby
Phrases like these tell teens that having feelings and strong emotions are not for grownups. It also leaves the impression that expressing yourself isn’t good.
13. Toughen up. Boys don’t cry.
This phrase says that strong, big emotions are not for boys. It perpetuates the stereotype that men aren’t allowed to be emotional and must be tough all of the time, which is a hurtful and damaging stereotype to live into.
14. You’re hopeless.
When teens are in their formative years, phrases like these things get stuck in their brains. It makes them feel like there is no future, when in reality there most definitely is a future for them.
15. You’re embarrassing me!
This phrase makes your teen’s emotions about the parent. Rather than working through the emotion with the teen, this invalidates what they are feeling and makes it about you. While what you are feeling matters too, try putting the focus on your teen and what is happening with them in this moment.
16. You're being overdramatic.
This phrase invalidates their emotions and makes them feel that their reaction is out of place when it really isn’t. Teenagers are trying to notice and understand their emotions. Saying that they are being overdramatic isn’t helping them regulate.
17. It's not that big of a deal.
Again, this invalidates their emotions. Finding their footing as a teenager is a tough dance to navigate. They are trying to learn and feel where they belong ( a basic human need). And there’s a lot to navigate. When we say it’s not a big deal, that can be hurtful as their experience of life is just as valid as your own.
18. High school is so insignificant you're going to look back at this and laugh.
High school actually isn’t insignificant. It is a pivotal time of our teen’s lives. They are finding their identity in relation to the world and learning where they fit in. It’s a critical time when they are fulfilling their need to belong. While they might laugh, saying this invalidates how they feel in the moment.
19. Why aren't you more like your sibling.
This is hurtful to their sense of identity. They are a unique and different human being. Let them be who they are without comparison or competition. It’s so rare to have that in other areas of their life. Let home life be that place for them. Who they are is complete. They don’t need to be anyone else.
20. You'll grow out of your attitude problem.
Many times, attitude is not a problem. It is the teen trying to express themselves and mold their identity. Calling their emotional experience an “attitude problem” is invalidating. Try validating what they are feeling in the moment rather than dismissing their experience as an attitude problem.