How to support a loved one through a tough time
Have you ever gone through a painful breakup and felt over- or under- supported? Or, maybe you see someone close to you struggling and you don’t know how to help. It seems like everything you say makes the situation worse.
Imagine this.
There is a person who is struggling. They are at the toughest part, their wounds are fresh, and they’re feeling low as ever. The people who care about them hate to see them struggle, and they want to help. Or maybe you’re the one wanting to help but don’t know how. Words of wisdom feel hollow, cliché, and patronizing.
The person struggling is definitely not ready to “stay positive!” or put a nice bow on the situation and move on. What they need is someone to meet them where they are and listen—to let them experience the moment for what it is without needing to fix or change how they are feeling.
Being supportive through difficult situations and emotions is hard. Sometimes we dance between feeling like we aren’t doing enough and maybe we are doing too much and saying the wrong thing.
Here are some ways you can support a loved one through difficult situations and emotions:
Active listening. Participate in active listening. This can look like repeating back what the person said when they pause. “It sounds like you’re really mad at Bobby.”
Validate. If it’s a sucky situation, simply saying, “That sucks” validates their experience. It also practices empathy because you are putting yourself in their shoes.
Avoid trying to fix their sadness or suffering. It’s so easy to validate an emotion and then whirl off into a soliloquy about how “It will all pass soon” or “It will be okay” or “It’s not that bad; you’re going to be stronger from going through this.” But oftentimes, it’s best to just stop at “It sucks.” That’s it. You don’t need to say “I understand,” especially if it is a situation you don’t understand. And it’s best to not share a story where you experienced something similar. Let the person be right where they are. Let them feel their emotions.
Observe. Just be. Hug them or sit with them. There’s nothing to say beyond “That really sucks.” Sometimes human nature makes us feel like we need to do or say something more. But that’s oftentimes us just trying to avoid the discomfort of the present situation or suffering. Try to just sit in it with them.
Be with them. After observing and sitting with them, just be. There’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to fix. Simply be in the present with that person. Your being is incredibly supportive.
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Jess, the co-founder of Truth Tribe, has served on the board of Listeners on Call where she advises the start-up as a therapist. She played a key role in creating a 4-step model of what constitutes listening. These steps are needed in order to create connection.
You can check them out here.