Being a parent is messy, chaotic, & complicated—Here’s how to respond when sh*t hits the fan
Parenting is beautiful, but it can also be really hard!
There isn’t a manual that will guide you through every step of parenthood. And if there is one proclaiming it will, it probably won’t get you through the more nuanced times, because let’s be honest, parenting is different every single day. So what do you do when your child is being bullied, your child is the bully, there are drugs and alcohol involved, or you are noticing something is terribly wrong, but you aren’t sure how to address it?
It can be scary, upsetting, and heartbreaking as a parent to discover certain types of information about your child.
Here’s a list to help guide you through what you can do —when you find yourself stuck—while also being mindful of your child’s independence and self expression:
Skip jumping, leaping, diving into extreme conclusions
It’s easy to jump to conclusions in these situations. They did x, or didn’t do y, and now you have to figure out a solution. Before you assume the whole story, take a deep breath and self soothe yourself—go for a run, meditate, breathe, watch your favorite show. Let your emotions from finding out about your child settle.
Talk to your daughter or son calmly without assumptions
Next comes action. There’s no other way to get to the bottom of what has happened than with communication. Try to use “I” statements like “I love you and I’m really worried about what is happening.” Try to avoid statements like “You need to be better; you always do things like this.” Words like always and never are extremes and usually not true. Speaking calmly about what is bothering you and the emotions it’s bringing up for you is the best approach. Again, we aren’t perfect. Give yourself grace for the not-so-perfect communication that is bound to happen.
Leave their privileges Intact..for now
it’s so easy to immediately take away any privileges they may have. “No more phones for the rest of the week.” However, when we do this, we lose trust and hinder their ability to confide in us. Communicating about what just happened becomes a power struggle. Try to speak calmly with your child and explore many options and consequences with them. Remember, they know themselves really well and would create more accurate restrictions and consequences for themselves if you were to co-create with them.
Remind them that you love them
in the heat of discussion about what may be perceived as their shortcomings, validate how they are feeling and how you feel about them. it’s so important to remember the foundation of your relationship.
Ask them what an appropriate consequence might be
Again, instead of grounding them or taking away what you perceive to be the most important thing in their lives, co-create with them their restrictions. This can be a simple question like “What do you think is the best consequence for what you’ve done?”
Parenting is hard, but when we can think of it as a ‘we are in this together’ versus ‘it’s me against you and I have to win’ we are able to come to better conclusions and agreements with or teens. And we even build trust in the process.