Is your teen’s device dividing your family? Strategies on how to monitor their use

In normal times…

isolation is a main trigger for addiction. Add a global pandemic with forced isolation and you have a recipe for a mental health pandemic.

You may be thinking that the word addiction doesn’t apply to you or your teen, but there are many different types of addictions, and today technology plays a major role in it, especially when we are isolated and looking for ways to connect. 

Have you ever picked up your phone and opened to social media subconsciously? You might wonder how you got to your home page scrolling through posts. Maybe you were in the middle of something else but as soon as you picked up your phone you forgot what that something else was. Maybe you tend to pick up your phone when you feel overwhelmed or socially uncomfortable. The ways social media and internet control us can go unnoticed if we aren’t paying attention to the triggers, especially now during this pandemic.

We are isolated in our homes looking for a way to connect with others. Technology is great, but unfortunately, it lacks many of the nurturing parts of connection while harboring some problematic ones. When we turn to social media to connect, we are met with an onslaught of perfect pictures that don’t necessarily reflect reality. If we let it, this type of connection can cause our self esteem to plummet. 

If you’re noticing your teen is on their phones for hours a day—before bed, and when they wake-up—here are some tools you can use to monitor their use and encourage healthy connections during this time of isolation:

Know your expectations and non-negotiables

Determine online behaviors that your teen needs to know to be on the same page as you. Make it clear that sending nudes (or whatever else is your no-go) is a non-negotiable. Consider that over time our expectations will change. For example, COVID phone use is much different from normal time use. The technology struggle is just as much a parent’s struggle as it is the teen. Make boundaries clear, and recognize that you have a part in the problem. Doing your own research can help you make empowered choices when it comes to navigating device use.  Include your teen in the conversation so that they feel involved rather than controlled. You can make statements like, “I notice you’re more loose when you are reading a book and aren’t on your phone. Is that true?” This will include them in the conversation about setting expectations with their device use. If you want to pull back on the reins of their device use, you need a plan and need to be consistent.

Monitor your teen’s use.

Despite popular belief about being the cool, laid-back parent, teens need structure and boundaries. They do best when they have this. When approaching a conversation about their device use, know your expectations and non-negotiables, ask your teen to know their limits, and involve your teen on the decision, and model what you would expect with your own device use. While taking away the device altogether can be unrealistic, set limits so your teen knows what to expect. Talk to them about which apps they are using: chat rooms, who they are talking to, the dangers of online predators, and consequences of sending inappropriate pictures or messages. Bark is a great app to help you monitor your teen’s use. It’s great tool and is essentially like your eye is on the device all the time while maintaining privacy for them. This takes presvure off of the relationship and helps them know how to learn to self-manage because this is the ultimate goal.

Give your teen other ways to connect. 

Right now it feels like internet and phone use are the only means to connect with others, but this type of connection misses key parts of human interaction. Instagram and snapchat can be dangerous for their self-worth. Offer them other ways to connect with their friends. Propose a zoom party with their closest friends and give the tools they’d need to set it up. Propose distanced dates with friends in a park or in the backyard. Get creative and integrate your teens into noticing what makes them happy. Get creative with the ways your teens can get the connection and social interaction they need.

Get your teen out of the house.

If they are spending all day on the phone or computer, propose that you make a curiosity list—a list intended to capture all the things they are interested in doing around the city. With the pandemic stil in full force, pick places outside that you’ve always wanted to explore but never had the time to.

Give your teen a structured routine.

Teens thrive with structure and knowing what to expect. They are learning a lot about relationships with others so giving them a space where things are controlled helps them feel safe. Set bedtimes and help them develop a morning routine of exercise and breakfast, or whatever gets their day started on the right foot. Having a consistent bedtime and wake up helps them stay out of unhealthy internet consumption patterns. 

Help your teen set limits by letting them know your concerns, having open conversation, and hearing them out. When you see they are struggling to self-regulate, you can step in and create boundaries and limits for them. If you see they aren't handling the freedom they have been given in a healthy way, reel it in. The idea is to help them know their own limits without them having to constantly be told what to do. After all, isn't the ultimate goal to launch them out into the world as productive, successful members of society who can manage themselves and their own lives rather than needing someone do it for them? Be transparent with them and foster open communication. If they aren’t talking to you, find them someone they feel safe to talk to about their life. They won't share everything with you - That's expected. And they need a place to work out all the things they are learning to navigate.

Above all, remind them that this pandemic is a temporary time period, and this isn’t how it’s going to be forever. Finding ways to be present and grounded in the moment helps teens regulate their anxiety about the future and the past. Slow down and do things that calm down you and your teen. Being present and compassionate with yourself shows them they can be more compassionate with themselves too. 

You don’t have to do it all alone. If your teen isn’t communicating openly with you, or you find it hard to talk to them, get support and the tools to foster this connection. Find them someone they can share with. Therapy and groups are great ways to encourage healthy connections among teens and help them develop an understanding that they aren’t alone; they aren’t isolated in their feelings. This is invaluable for their development and self-esteem.

Curious about what getting support looks like? Schedule a free consultation so we can see what will be the best support for you and your teen during this difficult and complex time. You don’t have to do all of this alone.