Is your teen respectful or obedient? They are not the same

“My kids need to respect me!”

This is a phrase we hear a lot when we do family or parent therapy. Parents come in flustered and upset. They feel disrespected when their child continues to disobey what they think would be best for them. They feel like their opinion doesn’t matter to their kids. They feel downtrodden and ready to throw the towel in.

Let’s look at the definition of respect and obedience.

Respect: A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Obedience: Compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another's authority.

While we can often hope our kids will obey our wishes, that doesn’t necessarily equate to respect. Our kids can respect us AND they can choose to go to the college they think will be the best for them, or communicate that they don’t agree with something we said.

When our kids disagree with us, that isn’t disrespect. It is self-expression; it is them forming an opinion based on their experiences. And while our teens are learning their place in the world and how to express themselves, chastising them for self expression isn’t supporting them as they grow and develop.

What we can do is analyze our actions as parents. Are our actions admirable?

We can respect someone and disagree with them, and perhaps, that’s a skill we can all hone throughout our lifetime.