The Art of Discipline: A Parent’s Guide
As a parent, it’s not easy to tell…
which actions require discipline and which actions give us an opportunity to get curious about our teens’ experiences (and learn from and with them).
Discipline isn’t really what we look forward to as parents. We like to be fun, cool parents and enjoy our time with our teens, but to raise healthy adults, our guidance is necessary. The best parents are authoritative: high in warmth and highly responsive. They have high expectations, AND are super loving.
It’s common to mistake teens’ actions as disrespect and react to them immediately when that may not have been the best approach. It’s generally an in-the-moment decision to discipline or not, especially when we have other priorities yapping for our attention. Sometimes when stress is high, it can seem like the obvious answer is to discipline them so that we have time to take care of all the other “fires” popping up in our lives. Unfortunately, this approach isn’t going to fit the bid.
As parents, while we can discipline every behavior we (and our fellow peers) deem inappropriate, that would result in a constant disciplinary exhaustion. If we are trying to follow our rules and everyone else’s, we will be spinning our gears constantly. Discipline is an area where we simply shouldn’t try to keep up with the Joneses.
A common mantra I use when looking at the arena of discipline is this: pick your battles. Notice the actions your teen takes that you can’t stand and start there. For each of us, different things will make our blood boil. Listen to your inner compass to decipher whether you should spend your time disciplining versus getting curious. However, there are some actions that call for our attention more than others. While perfection isn’t our goal, there are some actions that tell us to pay attention. Below is a list of actions and how a licensed therapist would respond to each one. You may be surprised. Find out when you’re dealing with a normal reaction from your teen and when you should consider getting help.
Eye rolling: Non-verbal communication is seventy-five percent of communication. That’s a lot. In a situation where your teen is rolling her eyes, I want to remind you to pick your discipline battles carefully. Go back to your inner compass and decide if this is something you want to discipline. A lot of times eye-rolling is a mannerism or form of self-expression that can cause us to react, understandingly so. Many times it sets off a chain reaction and domino effect within us as parents. The best path forward when your teen starts eye-rolling: don’t draw attention to it. That’s her way of expressing her annoyance. I want you to bring your attention back to what you were trying to get her to do in the first place. If she is doing what you asked while rolling her eyes, I want to remind you she is being compliant while also expressing herself.
If we react to every eye roll or sigh, then we’re stirring the pot and adding more fuel to the fire. If we add too much fuel, the fire is going to ignite. Teenagers are in a phase of mastering their impulse control and understanding the consequences of their actions—the cause and effect. The way to help them do this is to model what you want them to embody. Showing them that you aren’t going to react to everything will help them understand that they also don’t have to react to everything.
You can also look at this moment as a teachable moment. I say opportunity because we don’t have to say something every single time, but if we feel pulled to mention something, you can say: “I see that you want me to let you go spend the night with your friend and I keep saying no. The more you roll your eyes, the more it makes me want to not let you go.” Or “ When you roll your eyes at me, it feels disrespectful. When I feel disrespected, it makes it difficult for me to give you what you want. How can you adjust your request so that you get the answer you are looking for?”
We can’t demand teens' perfection; they are learning how to be in a relationship with the world. If we are always critiquing their forms of self-expression and telling them how to act, it gives them no room to meet their own edge and learn about themselves. Try to keep your ration balanced. 5 positive interactions for every negative. 5 praises for every piece of feedback. otherwise your scale is out of balance. Constant critique can also cause them to rebel and encourage more of the behavior you are trying to discourage.
Raising her voice: One thing to notice when she raises her voice is that she wants to be heard. Maybe she’s held onto something for a while and it’s built up so much within her that she explodes by yelling. Raising her voice can also signal family norms. Is yelling something that is common within your family? Get curious about where your daughter is learning yelling and observe where else this is happening. When kids yell, it may be tempting to yell back, but it might be best to get quiet. It makes them have to tune in to listen and actually hear you when you get quiet. And you're the adult. Act like it and do NOT yell back.
It is easy to point the finger and discipline; it is not as easy to look within ourselves and discover we may be the teacher. If discipline is the goal and we want our daughter to feel connected to the world and connected to themselves, we have to consider where we are contributing to her actions. We have to be willing to ask ourselves the hard questions. At the end of the day, they are watching us, and the best way to encourage the actions we want is to do them ourselves.
Profanity: This can be something that really pisses us off. But I’m going to challenge you to differentiate between two types of profanity. Yep, there are two types, believe it or not. Yelling profanity is one thing. Using it to self-express is another. For example, saying "it's not f*cking fair" is self-expression while "F*ck you" is using words as a weapon. Differentiating when our daughters are using profanity to describe the intensity of an emotion and yelling it can help us then discern when to discipline and when to get curious. A great response could go something like this: “I hear your anger, but can we use different words?” Consider that profanity is a way of turning up the volume on how they feel, just like raising our voice.
Developmentally, it is common for teens to want to stir the pot and explore their self-expression. This is about them learning who they want to be in the world. If they know some bad word is going to push your buttons, they may more likely use it. It is a part of their differentiation from you as they figure out who they want to be in the world. It can also be what they are hearing from their peer group.
Profanity isn’t necessarily okay, but I want you to get curious about why they might be using it. Rather than trying to fix it, consider it as a form of expression. Regardless of their choices, you can still set a boundary with her by saying this: “This is the way I can hear you, without using those words.”
Slamming doors: Personally, this infuriates me. (Even therapists are human.) This is where I’d draw a line. Remember when I said pick your battles? This is a battle I would personally confront head on, but remember, we are all different. A different bullet may be the one that makes your blood boil. It’s good to know which of these is your non-negotiable. Door slamming is a way to communicate the intensity of their anger, rage. You could address it like this: “You can express your anger, but slamming the door is not acceptable. Let’s find a different way to express your anger.”
Physical aggression (throwing, breaking something, hitting): If we don’t want our young adults learning that physical aggression is an acceptable way to resolve something as an adult, we must discipline. This can be a signal to get outside help, involving a therapist. I encourage you to get curious about where this is coming from, or why it is taking this level of intensity to express. If you feel unsafe, this is an opportunity to help your teen learn that their feelings are valid and can be expressed, but the way that they express them can have consequences.
“Moooooooommmmm” - frustration or disregarding your answer - keep pushing: This often happens when they’re trying to get their way. We can validate them by saying phrases like, “I see that you really want...and I see that you’re disregarding my response.' I can see that my response didn’t satisfy you.” You can also give it to them in a wish: "Oh honey, I wish I could let you do that, but it would be unsafe." This is an opportunity to negotiate and consider why we said “no” in the first place. Find out what they are fixated on, and see if there is an offer to ease the frustration for them.
Quiet, no response: Give her some space, and inquire why you are interested in knowing the answer? Are you asking because you want to learn about her or is it for yourself? Allow her to come back to you when she is ready to talk. By continuing to poke and prod for an answer, you may be pushing her away.
Are you coming into her world instead of her going into your world? Use an approach that signals that you’re interested in her. It's also okay to say, "I see something is going on with you right now, and I'm here if you want to talk later...whenever you're ready." Parents need to be okay with not knowing. Know when to back off and give her space and trust that she will come back.
Give one word answers to questions: Consider that you might be asking a question that doesn’t really cause your teen to go further than one word. There are types of questions that require your teen to go further than one word in their answer. Rather than asking how their day was, ask: “What was a high and a low today?”
Questions can sometimes feel like demands depending on how you ask them. Teens tend to stay up later and the later in the day you ask them questions the less defensive their reply tends to be. Don’t look for a time that is good for you to talk. Consider the factors that make it a good time for her to talk.
Using a device: Your teen is on their device again, and this time at the dinner table. As a parent, I want you to consider that maybe the expectations aren’t clear, or maybe your child isn’t clear on the expectations? Are you also using your device in front of them? Where are you doing this? Where could your daughter be getting the message that using a device at the table is okay? Get curious about your actions and the expectations you are setting. For example, it can be at the dinner table or around the house in general. Allowing leeway and then trying to reel them in is a lot harder than setting expectations up front. If there is a constant issue around devices and their use, have a discussion about how this is impacting you and them.
Were you able to identify whether you’re reacting too much or too little around your teens? Could you see areas where you could get curious about your actions?
Parenting doesn’t have to be a constant fight. Get the help and clarity you need. Sign-up for a one on one consultation to see if talking to someone could be beneficial for you or your teen. Get tools while talking about your personal experience as a parent, unfiltered. It’s good to talk about it and not feel alone. You’ll be happy to know your experience is more normal than you’d think.