What is forgiveness (and how to forgive family)?
Define Forgiveness (What is forgiveness and what it isn't)
The definition of forgiveness is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).” Researchers have believed that forgiveness and revenge are typically inherited instincts, passed down from generations through evolution.
Forgiveness is defined as a personal, self-consciously self-directed internal process of letting go of negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions of regret or sadness. However, the image that comes to mind when we think of forgiveness is typically an image of two people sitting together—one forgiving, one being forgiven. But forgiveness can happen with only one person present—that person being you. It doesn’t have to mean that there is a reconciliation or even that the other person needs to know that they’re forgiven. Forgiveness is an act of kindness we can do for ourselves as we let go of bottled anger and resentment that we feel within. There is no specific way to do it, or a timeline that needs to be followed, or even people that need to be present for it to be considered complete.
We can do it without the other person knowing, with them knowing, on our own, or together. And sometimes we forget about this when we think of forgiveness. We hold onto our anger, hoping someone else apologizes and releases us from what we are feeling, but getting out of our anger is our own job. It’s our job to express it, sit with it, and release it through forgiveness. Waiting for another to do this, is perhaps an outdated image of what forgiveness really is. Forgiveness is self driven.
What Forgiveness is Not?
Forgiveness does not mean you forgive or condone a crime or ignore the offense. Forgiveness is a separate thing from reconciliation but can be included in the restitution process, if that’s how both parties wish to proceed.
The Psychology of Forgiveness (and how to define forgiveness in Psychology)
Forgiveness varies among psychologists who study it. Although forgiveness is understood primarily as an innate reaction in a situation as it can be mastered, it is often also affected by personality factors which can be termed trait forgiveness. Humans can be more forgiving or less forgiving and psychology assigns that capacity to personality differences or to other dispositional traits that can be stable over time. Despite our traits, we are all capable of letting go of our anger and resentment that we have toward others, but some people are more predisposed to be open to the process of it.
Emotional forgiveness
Worthington (2005) defines true forgiveness as something happening just when an emotional apology is necessary. When emotional forgiveness has been completed, someone can replace negative emotions relating to unforgiveness (such as resentment and revenge) in favor of positive feelings like love. According to some researchers, changes to feelings of forgiveness in the beginning and the final stages of their life are more likely to result by changes in the emotions, rather than by changes in thoughts, motivations, or behavior, though these can sometimes also occur.
Cognitive forgiveness
Another concept of forgiving consists of a view of transgression as violation of cognitive structures, such as a belief, for example, meaning we have harbored certain beliefs of our own or others, that have violated us and need to be forgiven.
How can we start practicing forgiveness (and self forgiveness) today?
There is no specific way to forgive. And if you’ve felt angry before, you might also know that if we try to push it down or get rid of it, it tends to persist. Forgiveness has to happen on our own timeline. It has to happen from within, and in the same way, we have to do it for ourselves—no one else.
Research shows there are some steps we can take to start the process of forgiving.
The REACH method teaches us how to overcome lingering bad feelings towards someone who did us wrong
We are all victims of being wronged at one point or another. The betrayer can be an old colleague or friend. But holding onto those negative thoughts may cause serious illness and damage your body. Forgiveness is never easy but reminiscing about these events can cause an emotional and negative state of mind, says Dr. Tyler VanderWeele, founder of the Institute for Health and Spirituality (ISHR). But once we begin recognizing forgiveness it is possible to let go of past ills and be completely free."
The process of forgiving and letting go:
Recalling and visualize the betrayal. First we have to recall how it happened and visualize the event as they happened.
Empathizing without minimizing. In the next step after visualizing, we can start seeing how the events unfolded and we can empathize with the person who betrayed us or start to see why they might've taken the actions they did.
Altruism, or looking at forgiveness as a gift you give, just as it’s one you’d want to receive yourself. When we can see forgiveness as a gift we give, we start to see the opportunity within it.
Committing to forgiveness by writing about your decision or telling someone about it. When we commit to forgiveness, we commit to holding onto the positive emotions rather than the negative ones.
Holding on to your choice to forgiveness. Holding onto our choice to step into forgiveness allows you to accept the decision to let go of what happened and more importantly the emotions that have manifested within you.
When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths
The need for forgiveness can be extremely difficult in situations of deep adversity. Some people don't use forgiveness because they are angry. Okay — we all need our own timetable, when we're merciful.
If you have trouble with forgiveness and you find it hard, it can be helpful to do this: Firstly, keep in mind that a failure to forgive does not make you bad. Forgiveness involves patience and determination to work. Try not to be aggressive with yourself, but be gentle and maintain an inner calm. Start to practice small acts, taking steps toward a complete forgiveness. At first, this can look like forgiving parts of the event, instead of the whole event in its entirety. This allows you to start to promote forgiveness, even if starting small.
Why is forgiveness so important?
At the end of the day, giving or seeking forgiveness is an important process for ourselves. The ability to accept and move on from bottled emotions of anger and resentment can be a healthy habit. While we all do it on our own timeline, learning how to incorporate a practice that works for us is important. Teaching forgiveness to ourselves and being able to cultivate a forgiveness practices are incredibly beneficial for our well being, mental health, and emotional healing. Staying in anger and resentment will only perpetuate emotional pain for yourself, not others.
Seek forgiveness.