When asking your teen more questions doesn't help
“Honey, how was your day? What did you do? How were your classes? Did you do well on that test? Was Biology as hard as you thought it would be?”
We all know the after-school interrogation well, whether we were on the receiving or initiating end of the conversation.
We tend to do this with the ones we love most. We want to know if they are okay and if they need anything from us. Maybe subconsciously we want to create intimacy.
Here’s the bad news: this onslaught of questions is doing the opposite of what we want. When on the receiving end of these questions, it can feel like bullet shots. It isn’t a conversation. It is a one-sided tell all and it can be exhausting, and it may be driving our loved ones away. They are putting up a wall and aren’t feeling like they want to answer because behind each question they think there is an ulterior motive, and there may be built in assumptions in each of our questions that create shame for our teen or loved one.
Rather than do the after-work question tango, here are some ways we can create the intimacy we really want:
Limit your questions. Before you start asking your teen or loved one a million question, understand what you actually want to know.
Ask what you want to know. Rather than asking if they did their homework, ask if they are doing okay in classes and if they need any support. Get to the root of what you want to know and ask that. The more vulnerable and honest questions are almost always harder to ask. Ask what is most important to you.
Approach with genuine curiosity. Teens or loved ones can tell when we actually care and when we are asking questions out of our own insecurity. You know, to compete with the Joneses. Be real, be honest, show you care.
Give them space and learn which times are the best times for them to talk. Try to be cognizant of when your teen feels like talking and when they’d rather rest. Many times when we ask questions when they get home from school or work, they are exhausted. They’ve been talking all day. The last thing they want to do is talk more about what just happened in their day. Teens are sometimes better later in the day. Try experimenting with different times of the day. Your schedule doesn’t work for everyone. Bring awareness to that and try approaching your teen or loved one later in the day.
When we think we are having a conversation with our teen or loved one, we may actually be silencing our own insecurities, which means the conversation isn’t about them. It is about us. Get clear on what you want to know about your teen or loved one, give them a little space, and approach them with genuine curiosity.
If you feel like you’ve tried it all and your teen still isn’t talking, make sure your teen is finding someone to talk with. It doesn’t have to be you, but it is important they are talking to someone. Check out our groups and one-on-one sessions so that your teen is getting the support they need to navigate the hardest years of their life.