The science behind our need for connection

We’re over a year into a global pandemic, and this new way of life is quickly becoming normal: grab a mask before you leave the house, maintain caution and distance when meeting others, don’t shake hands, limit your contact with strangers, and wash your hands and bring hand sanitizer.

We are becoming used to a more socially distanced way of living. Though our world is changing, our biological make-up isn’t. As humans, we are still wired to need social connection. Yes, emotional connection is just as important as food, water, and shelter. For thousands of years, our survival relied on our village. Being ostracized from our village would’ve meant a life or death situation, facing predators alone.

Today, staggering statistics show that many Americans don’t have close friends, meaning if something were to go wrong many people don’t have a person to call. A large portion of this people are Millennials and Get Z, and the pandemic isn’t making that easier. Lack of connection has been proven to lead to higher levels of anxiety and depression. In a world that is becoming more and more distanced, it is no surprise that we are suffering.

Emotional pain has been proven to be just as painful as physical pain, so if we feel rejected for not belonging it will hurt us similarly to if we were physically harmed—a broken arm, a stubbed toe.

During the pandemic, we’ve turned to virtual tools to stay connected, but the Times noted “several studies have found that tools like video chats and instant messages may help elderly adults feel less lonely, especially if they’re physically isolated from others and cannot otherwise socialize. But, interestingly, research shows that loneliness may subside for younger adults when they reduce their social media usage.”

So during a global loneliness crisis and global pandemic, how can we reinvigorate connection in our lives?

Commit to a Social Goal. Set a weekly or monthly goal. For example, perhaps there are two connections in your life you would like to strengthen.Prioritize meeting up with these two people for a consistent number every week or month. This will help you grow the connection with the people who are important to you. Setting a goal makes you prioritize your social life just like you would your workout or your healthy eating habits.

Limit Social Media. While social media is a new way to connect, it is also getting in our way in some regards. It can oftentimes make us feel left out or only give us a superficial sense of connection. Becoming more aware of how we are using social media is how we can start using it to help us connect rather than leaving us feeling depleted and alone. Intentionally choose when you will be on social media (rather than mindlessly scrolling) and identify the reasons why you want to use it at these time - to message a friend, to create a group, to post a picture. When we are clear on why we are using it, we can then identify when it is not serving us. Limiting our time on social media will also help us get out and create face to face connections.

Call a Friend. Phone calls are kind of a dying art, but picking up the phone and calling a friend when you think about them can be a great way in getting in the habit of building connection.

Go to Meetup Groups. Meetup is a great tool to find other people who are interested in the same things as you. While the pandemic hindered some of these groups meeting in person, many now provide a distanced or virtual meet up option. When we want to create deeper connections, we have to first start by being the new person in a group. Showing up consistently and frequently to the group will help you build deeper connections in your life.

Volunteer in the Community. Get connected to the people whoa re directly in your community by spending time helping out. This not only raises awareness of the issues in your community but also connects you with people who support similar causes. Make this a recurring weekly or monthly event. A lot of our work is online these days so it is important to get out into the community and get face to face interaction. Most volunteer opportunities still exist, taking the proper precautions to keep everyone safe during the pandemic.

Set a Recurring Coffee Date with Someone you Value. Setting a recurring coffee date on your calendar with a friend can be a great way to get into a routine of connection. Whether it is weekly or monthly, this is something you can both clear your calendars for and look forward to. Creating a social habit ensures we remain connected even during times when we are more busy.

We are wired to need connection. So just as we schedule our meditation, workout, and grocery trips, we also need to be proactively thinking about the times we can connect with friends, always keeping in mind when something feels more stressful than fun. Creating connection in our lives isn’t meant to be one more thing to stress about. But it is an area of our lives we can bring more awareness—especially now. Create a social routine that supports your life and loved ones.